Surrender – to give oneself up.

Vulnerable – capable or susceptible to being hurt or wounded.

“What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.” Brené Brown

This week in meditation, we talked about surrender. Initially, I didn’t have anything to contribute because of my control tendencies – I couldn’t surrender control of my need to control, to share. But it wasn’t control as much as it was the resistance to surrendering to vulnerability.

As the talking stick made it’s way around the circle, I listened and I continued to breathe. I admired the courage of the women who shared their stories. I learned from them; I saw myself in a few. I was in a safe space. I was safe. I could allow myself to be vulnerable, release and surrender. So why didn’t I?

Sometimes, even in supposed sacred and safe spaces, it is difficult to allow myself to open up. Even in sanctuary I guard myself from the feelings associated with vulnerability.  Who needs it? This was meditation. My safe space. A place for reflection; a quiet place. Why is this even necessary? Given the definitions of surrender and vulnerable, why would any sane person combine the two?

Brené Brown (the queen of vulnerability), gives one explanation of the resistance to it saying, “Our rejection of vulnerability often stems from our associating it with dark emotions like fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointment—emotions that we don’t want to discuss, even when they profoundly affect the way we live, love, work, and even lead.” I can absolutely relate.

That’s what’s tricky about meditation. Once you become still, all of your ‘stuff’ tends to come up – I believe that’s one reason many people avoid it. We avoid intentional stillness and quiet. We surround ourselves with busy-ness.When you’re dealing with other stuff, you don’t have time to face your own. That’s typically when the internal breakdown or the external meltdown occurs – when your body breaks down. Your body can’t process the toxic behavior, sickness and disease set in because you haven’t released. You haven’t surrendered.

In stillness, in meditation, you can lovingly process your ‘stuff’. You’re encouraged to be kind to yourself and observe your feelings surrounding the issue(s) and ‘let it go’ – surrender. Breathe. In his book Change your thoughts – Change your life; Living the Wisdom of The Tao, Dr. Wayne Dyer suggests, “…the primary purpose of learning to meditate, or to be in the silence, [is] inviting your essence to reveal itself…”. You have the opportunity to confront your authentic self in meditation.

You may become emotional during stillness, and that’s okay. It’s cleansing. It’s necessary for release. Simply observe the feeling attached to the thought, the emotion, the ‘stuff’ – no judgement – and love yourself through it. And breathe. Breathe deeply.

It seems this theme of surrender, of vulnerability, of opening up is following me this entire week. In two different yoga classes the intention focused on exactly that. The teachers guided us to flow through several heart opening poses from sun salutation b with an extreme backbend, to eagle – opening even the back of the heart, to various modifications of warrior one, camel, dancer, wheel, wild thing – poses that expose your heart while strengthening your ability to balance. All with the expressed intention of opening and exposing our hearts. Designed with the intention of allowing us to experience vulnerability in a safe space. I surrendered.

I’ve been on a mission to surrender; to allow myself to be vulnerable. Even though it seems I’m opening myself up to be hurt or harmed – from reading Brené Brown’s book, Daring Greatly, I know that there’s much to be gained. According to Brown, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” Those are emotions and qualities I welcome. I’m willing to take the risk.

Rather than resisting vulnerability; I’m learning to embrace it. I’m recognizing when I begin to ‘wall’ up and close inward – I see it because I begin missing my joy or I feel afraid or left out. I realize the answer lies within and meditation, seeking my true authentic self (joyful, brace, accepted), helps.

That night in meditation I was afraid to share that I’d allowed myself to be vulnerable for fear of appearing weak; weakness is also associated with vulnerability. Because I’m on this path of growth, this quest for knowledge of self through God’s eyes, this journey to enlightenment – I was able to open up and allow myself to share with the circle safely and fearlessly. It was scary but it was empowering.

In the words of the queen – Brené Brown, “If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” Hopefully I’ll meet you on it.

Love,

Robin ❤